I feel like a caterpillar, who has gone into his cocoon.  Lots of stillness, lots of waiting.  Lots of patience, lots of rest.  When I finally emerge I will spread my wings and fly – but for now, I’ll stay here, in this stillness, in this bubble, and be patient.

I cannot begin to explain the metamorphosis that is happening within me.  I cannot tell you what it feels like, or what is actually happening, or why.  I cannot explain to you the difference I feel – that it feels expansive, and confusing, and utterly exhausting.  This doesn’t align with the small changes that are perceptible from the outside:  I am sleeping later, I am moving slower, I am more easygoing.  I skip my yoga classes so I can honor my body’s request to move – but move gently.  I seldom look in the mirror.  I have not stepped on a scale or counted a calorie in a month or more.  I volunteer at an animal shelter.  My relationships have improved.  I experience more hesitation and caution in exploring new, life-altering paths.  I surrender to my life, instead of needing to control it.  

It sounds marginal.  To an observer, it may seem like I have just “relaxed,” finally, and probably necessarily.  I laughed the other day after speaking with a co-worker; he has only known this me, and he was surprised to learn my self-description of being driven or Type A.  To those who have known me for a long time, I probably just seem happier.  

It’s hard to describe how different it is.  Many of my YTT friends have begun teaching yoga classes.  Whereas I once would have felt envious, instead I feel happy for them.  Where I once would have pined for my own teaching position, today I am not sure I want one.  I started this YTT program to be a yoga teacher.  And I could teach a yoga class.  I have taught many a yoga class.  And, I am a good leader.  I am a good instructor.  If I started teaching yoga (outside my current job), they would be good classes.  

But right now, I don’t want to teach.  I want to receive.  I want to absorb.  I want to be in my cocoon and I want to stay there.  I will emerge when I am ready.  But for now, I plan on moving slower, sleeping later, absorbing information, drinking in breaths, and honoring myself.   You can find me in the restorative classes.  

Categories archive, Blog, On Yoga, Uncategorized

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