I feel like a caterpillar, who has gone into his cocoon. Lots of stillness, lots of waiting. Lots of patience, lots of rest. When I finally emerge I will spread my wings and fly – but for now, I’ll stay here, in this stillness, in this bubble, and be patient.
I cannot begin to explain the metamorphosis that is happening within me. I cannot tell you what it feels like, or what is actually happening, or why. I cannot explain to you the difference I feel – that it feels expansive, and confusing, and utterly exhausting. This doesn’t align with the small changes that are perceptible from the outside: I am sleeping later, I am moving slower, I am more easygoing. I skip my yoga classes so I can honor my body’s request to move – but move gently. I seldom look in the mirror. I have not stepped on a scale or counted a calorie in a month or more. I volunteer at an animal shelter. My relationships have improved. I experience more hesitation and caution in exploring new, life-altering paths. I surrender to my life, instead of needing to control it.
It sounds marginal. To an observer, it may seem like I have just “relaxed,” finally, and probably necessarily. I laughed the other day after speaking with a co-worker; he has only known this me, and he was surprised to learn my self-description of being driven or Type A. To those who have known me for a long time, I probably just seem happier.
It’s hard to describe how different it is. Many of my YTT friends have begun teaching yoga classes. Whereas I once would have felt envious, instead I feel happy for them. Where I once would have pined for my own teaching position, today I am not sure I want one. I started this YTT program to be a yoga teacher. And I could teach a yoga class. I have taught many a yoga class. And, I am a good leader. I am a good instructor. If I started teaching yoga (outside my current job), they would be good classes.
But right now, I don’t want to teach. I want to receive. I want to absorb. I want to be in my cocoon and I want to stay there. I will emerge when I am ready. But for now, I plan on moving slower, sleeping later, absorbing information, drinking in breaths, and honoring myself. You can find me in the restorative classes.