I am on edge.
I am on edge in my daily life. I am grumpy and easily angered and needing more chocolate than usual. I am busy and tired and sore and scattered and doing too many things without actually doing anything. I take responsibility for my grumpiness because I’ve left behind, the past week or several, my daily meditation practice and my daily home practice and my daily journaling practice.
I have left these behind because – I am on an edge.
I am on the brink of something, and that something is big. That something is life-changing, revolutionary, and it will flip around my entire world. And the thing is, once I reach this point, I can’t go back. I can never live my life the same again, and so, getting to this point is the point of no return. Good-bye everything I ever knew. Hello world of uncharted territories, of scary possibilities, of paving my way in a world that is completely unknown.
Don’t get me wrong: this is a good thing. I am moving in the right direction. This thing on the edge of which I sit: it’s a place I want to go; it’s a place I need to go. The desperate thirst of my spirit is just waiting for me to shift.
But I’ve been holding back. I realized I’ve been holding back the past couple of weeks, without realizing why. And today, it hit me that I am scared.
No, maybe scared is an understatement. I am terrified. I am trembling. I am mystified and mesmerized and wanting it all but paralyzed all at the same time. Something is going to happen soon. And if I wait, if I resist, maybe I can push it back a little bit. Maybe I can have a little more time here, in this place that I know. Maybe a few more days of comfort is what I really need.
But I know it’s coming for me, whether I push it back or not. I can push it back and I can delay the arrival and I can drag my feet kicking and screaming, but it’s going to hit me. Hard. Whether I like it or not.
So what is this, this big change in which I am headed? I don’t know. I don’t know what it is, but I can feel it lurking. I can feel it hovering, waiting to pounce. It’s haunting my dreams. My dreams are getting increasingly vivid and increasingly violent, and I know it’s because there might be some impatience. Some frustration of the Universe with my pushing back so hard. I don’t expect the dreams to diminish and I don’t expect the cloud following me around to lighten until I tumble head first over this ledge. Until I fall in with no return. It is coming, and I am going, and I am never coming back, and nothing will ever be the same.
And this is a good thing, but a scary thing. But it’s good. It’s good. It’s good.