How can you evaluate fear’s purpose? At what point do you understand – this fear is blocking me from following my heart. This fear is warning me from danger. The answers must come within, but how do we access them when we spend our days avoiding that which we fear? How do we access them in a short moment’s notice, when you have to make the distinction in a quick decision?
I have a lot of fear. I am afraid of many things. I could list them, but instead, I will tell you this: today, I had an opportunity. Today, I was expecting a phone call. I avoided thinking about the phone call. I tried to put it out of my brain. When the phone call didn’t come when I expected it to come, I tried practicing intuition. I calmed myself by telling me that the phone call wasn’t coming. That maybe the person on the other end of this phone call felt my hesitation and decided against calling. I accepted that the phone call was not coming, and I was relieved.
When my phone rang 12 minutes past the expected time, I tensed. I was no longer prepared to deal with this call. The phone rang. I ignored it. I spent a few minutes avoiding my phone, hoping it was just my mother who called. But no, the lying to myself didn’t work; it was the phone call I expected. The message on the voice mail affirmed my avoidance.
This year is the year I am supposed to be moving past fear. This is the year I should be breaking free. Break free. I am trapped within my own mind. Breaking free means letting go. Breaking free means putting myself out there. Breaking free means cutting loose the attachments to my expectations, to my belongings, to my plans, and to others’ perception of me.
I am holding on so tightly to this last shred. I want so badly to let go, to break myself open, to leave myself lying vulnerable and give up my earthly desires, but my roots are dug deep, I am planted in this reality and I am planted in this earth, and within this earth and within this lifetime there is fear. The deeper the roots, the higher the branches. Can I root myself in a reality and also remove myself from fear? Can I find a different soil to plant myself within to be free, but also grounded, and also extended? And if so, how do I transplant myself? How can I live without attachment, but still live to experience? How can I live in this reality while also holding myself to the expectations of the divine?
This is my exploration. Fear has a purpose, and my fear runs deep. But what purpose is it serving? Is this fear a warning, or is it a deterrent to move forward? And how do I know? Finding out is my next grand adventure.