I am not at yoga. I am not at yoga – instead I am writing this, and drinking a glass of wine, and trying to put all the thoughts in my brain together at once, while shoveling a salad into my face because I’m starving and who has time to eat anyway?
I am on hyperdrive. I am so productive, so self-sufficient, so responsive, I feel like I could clean the house three times through without taking a break. And this is without coffee, my friends. Someone told me today they wished they had my energy. Well, I wished it was more evenly distributed.
This is what happens when I get involved. This is what happens when my brain starts to turn. See, my body is primarily pitta – I get rashes and acne and digestive troubles and overheated, but my brain is vata vata vata. Creative and light and airy and fleeting and going going going all the time. Recently I had to start an Idea Book, there’s so many things rattling around up in there. I can’t keep track of all of it. I hardly know how I’m keeping track of everything right now.
And I think I’m holding it all together, but I’m not. There are signs that I’m not keeping it all together, if you look closely. I keep having mouth pain. Pain in my teeth, pain in my jaw. Temporal throbbing headaches. Complete exhaustion. Trouble waking up. I was convinced I needed root canals. Then three weeks ago I noticed I was clenching my jaw. Do I always do that? I was clenching pretty tight. I was getting sore around my jaw.
There’s nothing wrong with my teeth.
And I’m skipping yoga. I have things to do. I want to be productive. I want to paint. I want to map out my plans.
And I’m multi-tasking. Boring, tedious tasks I am totally not present. Even teaching exercise classes. I have taught the same classes over and over and over again for the past year and a half. The tedium is unbearable. I find my brain drifting away in the middle of class. Today I taught an entire water aerobics class, but do you know what I was actually doing? I was channeling Reiki. I was testing my ability to give Reiki from a distance. I was trying to send Reiki with my eyes. But you would have never known it. Because in the physical world, I was leading a water aerobics class.
I dislike the tedium. We took some tests in a business class I’m taking the other day. Did you know I’m taking a business class? Yeah. I am. Are you project oriented or process oriented? PROJECT. I like projects. I like the beginning and the end and the planning. I like to have an objective and to meet it and move on.
I think that’s why I like college so much. I tell people this, and they think I loved college because of all the drinking and the wildness. Well, that wasn’t my kind of college. I was not the party girl. I was the girl focused on her studies, running marathons, holding down jobs, planning for her future, and obsessively counting every calorie and puking up those that I overate.
I loved college because it was a big project. Sixteen weeks of work work work, then four to eight months of relaxation. That was my kind of life. That’s how I work best. Work hard for a long time. Look for the end. Have a break. I work best in that environment.
In yoga teacher training, we talked about yoga teachers who were better at regular classes, and teachers who were better at workshops. I instantly knew I was a workshop girl. I like teaching regular classes, but I like special projects more. Not necessarily special events. I don’t need a cocktail dress or a party and I hate decorating. But I like to learn. And I like to learn in spurts.
It sort of feels like I’m having a manic episode, minus the non-sleeping. I’m sleeping a lot. Oh my gosh – do I have a mental disease? Am I dysfunctional?
I think we’re all a little bit dysfunctional, sometimes.
My fingers have to type fast just to keep up with my brain. I’m glad in high school I got the highest scores on those WPM games. You know, the ones where you typed and raced that bear. I always won. At one point I could type 88WPM with just a few mistakes. I wonder what I type now. That’s why I prefer blogging over regular journaling. I can type faster and get what’s in my brain more often. For some reason I can’t do it out loud. I’ve tried to talk to my iphone and write notes, but my mouth can’t keep up with my brain, either. Just my fingers.
Why am I writing this note again?
Oh yes. To say I’m not at yoga. Because I’m taking my own advice. Recently I told someone who was working 55 hours a week and has a lot of children and husband and runs and cooks and does all of these crazy things to take it easy. That maybe it’s better to skip yoga practice.
Honestly sometimes I just don’t want to see people. I love people so much, but there’s a certain point that I don’t want to socialize. Even in a yoga class. I don’t want to have the pre and post class banter with all of the classmates. There are times that I want that and there are times that I go for that – the community. But when I need yoga, I need it for the silence. For the aloneness. I like classes that encourage you to be silent in the room before it gets started. I think I’ll be that kind of teacher.
Anyway, so I’m taking it easy tonight. I’m not going to yoga. I want to paint, and to have this glass of wine, and finish my darn salad, and then tomorrow I’ll wake up early and practice on my own. A slow practice. One to calm my fire-y Pitta physical body and one to slow my fleety Vata brain, which you’ve probably gathered by this blog.
I feel a bit weird putting it out there, because maybe I really do have a mental condition. Maybe this really is a manic phase. What do I know, I’m not a psychologist. But I kind of doubt it. I mean, I thought I needed root canals, and really I was just clenching my teeth.
Anyway, I hope you have a good and relaxing night. I wish you a glass of wine and some personal yoga time and painting and whatever it is you need. Because every one is different and every day is different. Love to you love love love.