I thought I needed a root canal or two.
As it turns out, I have a raging sinus infection.
Not just your average sinus infection. The kind of sinus infection that has been ignored for well over two months because you thought it was dental pain. The kind of sinus infection that makes your ears hurt. The kind of sinus infection where apparently all of your glands are swollen and you’re nauseas every fifteen minutes or so and you’ve just accepted this as normal every day feelings.
It’s not normal.
I finally made it in to see a doctor today, after my dentist reassured me that I do not need a root canal. (I almost demanded one, that’s how tired I am of feeling this way.) I kind of ignored it for a while, to be truthful. I thought maybe it would just go away. Oh, my dentist told me I need to stop clenching my teeth. I guess that’s bad. So I figured just stop doing that and everything will get better.
But it didn’t.
So I finally made it today. I avoid doctors to the best of my ability. Not because I dislike them or distrust their medical advice, but because: 1. I hate taking pills. 2. I like to think I can control everything that happens with my body. 3. I HATE THE SCALE.
Just finally get me recovered from body image issues enough so that I’m feeling awesome and enjoying my body and giving myself permission to skip a yoga class every now and again to paint and BAM – I wind up on the stupid scale.
I hate that thing, because it’s haunted me since I was 14. I was so obsessed with controlling that number, that it actually controlled me. And now it’s been almost a full year since I’ve weighed myself daily, and it’s pretty awesome, and I feel great – except when I have to go see a doctor.
There are times when I think of asking them if I can step on it backwards, so they will know the number but I won’t. There are times I still want to shred every article of clothing I have on to make that number as low as it can possibly be.
But all of that is ridiculous. If I’m healed, if I’m over it, I can handle knowing the number. And it’s hypocritical. I am a wellness coordinator. The program I am running right now is all based upon people’s WEIGHT. (I actually hate any program I run that’s based on people’s weight… because there’s so much more. Why? Why does the number matter? WHY DO WE GIVE OUT PRIZES BASED ON THAT NUMBER?? There is so much more to life. But that’s what people WANT. That’s what they IDENTIFY with. I have such an internal crisis every time I run these programs. But that’s a whole different story.)
Anyway, I don’t like to make a big fuss over things. I don’t like to be the exception to the rule. I don’t want to be weird. So I step on the stupid scale and face up to the stupid numbers that have this odd power over me.
And, instantly, I feel thicker.
It’s so stupid. What do those numbers even mean, besides the gravitational pull Earth has on your body? Why would it even matter? Why do we give it so much power?
And so, I’m not giving it power anymore. If I am thicker, than fine. I feel great (except my raging sinus infection – please go away, please please please). If I’m not, fine. I don’t need to not see the number because the number means nothing to me.
And, also, I need to get in a little better touch with my body. You know, that whole “mistaking a sinus infection for a toothache and letting two whole months go by while the infection built up” thing.
So this is my post to relinquish control. I acknowledge I don’t control everything. I cannot heal or cure my sinus infection alone. I cannot heal or control how a silly number on a silly scale makes me feel, initially.
But I can choose how it makes me feel, long term. I can stop handing it my power. I can choose to love my body. I can choose to honor it and respect it as the gift that it is. I can choose to not let it weigh me down. (Ohhhh the puns.)
And, if you struggle with similar issues, be sure to check out our program Eat Breathe Thrive -TM – coming to Kansas City in March. Sign up and details here: http://bit.ly/ThriveTribeKansas