I Am A Difficult Friend.

I am the kind of friend you think you want, until you have it.  I am opinionated and strong.  I am a notorious devil’s advocate.  I don’t seek out confrontation, but I don’t avoid it.  I am fiercely loyal and I will fight against you if you become your own enemy.  I care, deeply – and that means I point out your flaws, your repeated mistakes, and all of the bad things you try to forget.  If you get knocked down, I don’t lay down on the floor and cry with you; I make you get back up, even if you don’t want to.  But I’ll probably forget your birthday, and to get you a gift for your new baby.  I’ll dread attending your bridal shower.  I’ll only call you once a month, if that, and I expect us to just pick up where we left off.

I don’t have many friends – at least, not in this capacity.  I have many people I enjoy.  I have many people I will go to lunch and dinner with, break bread, share laughs and stories.  These are the people that I’ll keep my mouth shut for; that if I see them making a mistake, or walking themselves into a disaster, I’ll let them keep walking.  I won’t interfere.  And when they need support after, I’ll let them vent or cry; but I don’t bring it home with me.  I don’t worry about it at night, like I do with friends.

My friends – I protect.  The people I love get the brunt of my personality.  It means I will fly across the country to see you, even after I just yelled at you for behavior of which I don’t approve.  It means I might take three days to answer your text, if you’re lucky, but I’ll be there in a heartbeat if you need me.

I want to grow.  I want to improve, and to get better.  I want people who challenge me.  I want people who question my motives, who challenge beliefs I’ve held forever, who make me think and get better and improve.  I don’t want to live my life without questioning why, without understanding my actions, without regularly re-evaluating my ethics and decisions.  And I want the same for my friends.

Sometimes, this makes me a bitch.  But, if I’m a bitch to you, at least you’ll know I love you deeply.  And to my true friends:  I love you.  Sorry I suck at being vulnerable.  Sorry I am sometimes not so nice.  If I have hurt you, I apologize, and know that was never my intention to hurt you, but only to facilitate growth.  I’m currently re-evaluating how I am a friend.

P.S.:  Often, I question my own friendship tactics.  Is this really how I want to be?  Shouldn’t I be full of love and compassion, especially for the people I love the most?  I wonder about this often.  Am I failing my friends by not opening them with loving arms after every mistake?  Or would I be failing my friends if I did?  Your thoughts are welcome.  Who knows, maybe we’ll be friends.  😉

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