I don’t know if I can describe the blur of emotions and experiences of the past four days. One of them: a thai yoga massage with my favorite yoga teacher, Tung Bui, absolutely defies any verbal explanation, and I would recommend you experience it for yourself, instead.
The other experiences, maybe you can’t have.
Such as: the intense fear you have when your husband tells you he hit a deer – and then you don’t hear from him for two hours. The experience of having eye-opening conversations with a yoga friend, and then, spontaneously spending the night dancing intuitively and with reckless abandon. The experience of seeing a dream you had of combining yoga and intuitive painting into one workshop come to fruition. The experience of the deep dark depression you sink into immediately following two days worth of intense, emotional, exhilarating, and exhausting experiences.
Directly after my thai yoga massage, my yoga teacher was telling me about his astrological chart. His rising sign, his sun sign, etc. Although I had a very brief introduction to astrology, I decided to look into this with a bit more interest. I’m a gemini by birth date, but not all of my personality quirks align with the gemini traits.
Although I found a plethora of information, most of it I couldn’t interpret. What I did find was this: my rising sign, of Virgo, makes me appear to others as shy, analytical, and often with high standards. My sun sign, of Gemini, is my general attitude of restlessness, positivity, and curiousness. My moon sign, or what I’m like when my guard is down, is Aries, of moodiness, independence, impulsivity, and an occasional temper.
I had no idea there were so many signs. There’s many more pieces to my astrological chart, but this seems to form the basis and really the crux of how I operate in the world, to a seemingly creepy degree.
In terms of my standards – yes, they are way too high. For myself, for those who are closest to me (which, in general, aren’t many. Off the top of my head, I can think of three people in my life who fit this description.) get the brunt of my expectations… When I love you, deeply, I expect a lot. I want the best for you. This can sometimes come off as bitchiness, and I have lost a friend or several because of this. But, in general, if I don’t know you deeply, I am a bit more compassionate and understanding, and approach the situation fairly analytically. And, oddly enough, I am increasingly shy in large groups in which I don’t know people well (contrary to my Gemini sun sign). This is my rising sign, or how others perceive me.
And yes, I am continually searching for mental stimulation, which is my general nature and sun sign of Gemini. I love to learn. I am continually looking for ways to advance my knowledge, for ways to express myself, and I seek out people in which I can find interesting conversation. This is super apparent in the status of my friendships. Those friends of mine in which I can have deep, meaningful conversation, tend to stay close to me – even if they are hundreds or thousands of miles apart. While those who I interact with only superficially, tend to be in my life for just the duration of the time I am around them. Also, I am prone to expressing myself fairly openly (as in this post, and most of my social media life – yes).
And, although I definitely keep this under wraps – I do have quite a temper, which fits with my moon sign of Aries. It takes a lot to get me riled up, but an angry Amy is not a pretty sight to witness. In my most unleashed moments, I am impulsive, I act before I think, and I can be both daring and reckless. Fortunately, I also don’t hold grudges, and I am known in my most intimate relationships for flying off the handle in one moment, and speaking calmly and rationally the next.
Wow. I guess if you don’t know me and you read this, it sounds like I’m a pretty shitty person.
Either way, I haven’t meant this to be all about my signs, but I suppose that’s sort of what it turned into. The past four days, I have felt all of this and more. I have had new experiences with new people, where I must appear sort of aloof and reserved. I have let go completely with someone in whom I enjoy her company, because she challenges me to think in a different way. I have gotten incredibly angry at things in which those close to me have done that weren’t up to my standards, and then quickly let it go.
I have experienced every facet of my personality in one four day period.
Suffice it to say I am exhausted, emotionally, physically, energetically, spiritually, and more.
Let’s bring it back to my high standards. In my perfect world, I would be more open right off the bat. My temper would be much more under control, and I would be able to choose love over frustration more easily. I would stop berating both myself and my loved ones for our mistakes, and approach the situation with more compassion and heart.
But, in knowing myself now and my signs, knowing the craziness of the past four days and the utter exhaustion with which I feel, now the only thing I think I can do is let go, drop my standards, and just be here. And maybe cry a bucket of tears or two.