You know that feeling when you put yourself out there, and then you kind of want to vomit? Even if all of the reactions are good to what you’re delving out, there’s that inherent stomach curdling, “Oh my god I’m going to throw up” feeling that you get.
Yes, well, that’s what I’ve been having.
About 6 or 7 months ago, right around the time I changed this blog name from “amylrader.wordpress.com” to “amy is a human” I had this grand idea about creating “Yoga for Humans.” Yoga that’s accessible, approachable – basically, what I offer already in my yoga classes and in my personal training. But it wasn’t in the cards for me then; I looked up to purchase the domain name, and although there was no “yogaforhumans.com,” someone had already purchased the name and was willing to part with it for $250. Ummm, no thanks.
So I put that thought aside. In the back of my mind I kept the idea of “Yoga for Humans” because it’s funny and catchy and on point with how I describe myself: as a human. I am a human, and I teach yoga for humans.
Why the word human? Well if you read my blog, you probably know already. Because humans are messy. And emotional. And physical and spiritual and all kinds of shit all wrapped into this little compact body and with this body we’re expected to go through life and then our minds tell us to label everything. Who are you? Describe yourself using the words “I am.” What do you get?
Most people get things like “I am a mother, a wife, a doctor, and a bike rider. A lover of coffee and a dancer on the beach. Creator of interesting words. Destroyer of obstacles. Lover of animals.”
And yeah, that’s nice and poetic and all, but when I think about who someone IS, what their essence really contains – well, shit, isn’t all of that stuff not necessarily true? I mean, you weren’t ALWAYS a mother or a wife or a doctor. What if one day you break your leg and can’t ride a bike anymore? Then who are you? What if you get really nasty acid reflux and you can’t drink coffee anymore? Are you still a “lover of coffee” if you don’t drink it anymore?
So I reject all of those things. I am not anything except: human. Maybe not in all lifetimes I am human, but in this lifetime, I will be, for the duration of it, human. Messy and unpredictable. Constantly changing. Moody. IMPERFECT. That’s what a human is, and that’s what I am.
And so, naturally, yoga for humans is yoga for these people. Who are imperfect, and messy, and moody, and sometimes pissy and sometimes full of light, who curse some days and who praise Jesus other days, who are imperfectly perfect and just fine as they are.
So anyway, a few days ago I randomly looked again to see if the domain name “yogaforhumans.com” was available for purchase, and, indeed, it was. So I snagged it. For a respectable $13, not $250.
And then the momentum went from there. This idea that has several months to germinate in my mind has changed shape and morphed several times. And what will it end up being? Who knows. Nothing ever ends up being exactly how you imagine it – that’s what I’ve learned from painting. But I’ve also learned, from painting, to start before you’re ready. To just lay down the ground work and see what takes shape. To act and then react to what’s happening, to stop planning and to just start.
And so that’s what I’m doing. I’m building an online community, I’m spreading the word, before I even officially have the website up and running. Before I even have the idea fully fleshed out.
And it’s fucking terrifying.
Because what am I doing? What am I creating? Where is this going? These are questions I can speculate, but not answer. There are no answers except in moving forward.
So I stand before you today (okay let’s be honest, I’m sitting) feeling vulnerable and exposed. Because I don’t have the answers. Because I’m imperfect but riding my intuition. Because I don’t know where I’m going or where I’ll end up but I’m pretty darn excited about the journey.
I’m standing (sitting) here in all of this mess, and I know – this is it. I am human.
And I teach Yoga. For humans.
Welcome to the revolution.