After a long period of time going going going, doing doing doing, I am ready to shut off. I am ready to retreat. I’m not quite shutting down production, really, but I need to hide for a little bit.
In the world that we live in, it’s so easy to expose yourself and to get caught up in the rat race. It’s so easy to have other people tell you what you want, rather than figuring it out for yourself.
For the longest time now, I’ve been really searching for the answers of “What do I really want to DO?”, and seeking the answers anywhere but within. I’ve watched webinars. I’ve read countless books. I’ve listened to people tell me how to be free and how to find success and what five steps to take to get there.
I’ve listened and taken it all in greedily, voluntarily, hoping for a shred of illumination, or a glimpse of hope. And yet, the answers I seek are still lost on me.
(Don’t get me wrong – teaching yoga and writing is what I want to do. But how I want to teach, how I want to write, how I want to express that and get it out there is the question. In what ways will I best serve? In what ways will my ideas come to their best fruition? In what ways can I both make a living and be fulfilled?)
One of my core values is empowerment. As a yoga teacher, I am very adamant that I do not have the answers – that you have them. That I can share my story, but you have to figure out your own. That I can give suggestions and company and camaraderie, but ultimately only you are going to find the answers you seek, and it will be from nowhere but within.
So, dear world, I am taking my own advice.
I will stop seeking in books, in education, in marketing tactics, no matter how shiny they appear. (Don’t get me wrong – I deeply value education, and I will still read, and absorb, and consider – but I will no longer take their words as truth. I will absorb, digest, figure out what suits me accordingly and throw out the rest.)
I will stop delaying celebration of my success until I’ve reached a certain point.
I will stop my creative impulse, pause for a moment, reflect on whether or not each venture pushes forward what is intuitively right in my soul, and only if it fits will I move forward.
This is my intention.
I will continue to be wild, and unabashed, and unleashed and powerful and strong and badass, but it’s time to hone in, refocus, and allow myself to ripen.
Won’t you join me?
I’m just not quite ripe yet.
Everyone is telling me to do, to go, to be. These five steps to success. These eight bullet points to financial freedom. These easy tools to launch you forward.
Never before have I felt like forward is a bad thing. I’ve always sprinted as fast as I could towards the finish line, eager to get away from whatever was behind me. Happy to set my past to the side for the new next best thing.
But not right now. While the whole world has an agenda to move you forward like a champ, I want to stay still. To churn a little more. To ripen before I set myself on the shelf for picking. To know at my core that I’m ready to go, before someone bites into me and then quickly discards me.
It’s not that I lack confidence, or that I fear what would happen if I move forward. It’s just that I don’t think I’m ready yet. And I’ve been feeling that for a long time. So today, I’m going to give myself permission to sideline myself and my progress. Quite frankly, I think I’ll progress much quicker staying still than sprinting towards a goal I’m not even sure I want yet.
Stillness. Baby steps. It will illuminate in time. I will ripen.