Well, friends, I am back from Portland and back from my ten day journey diving deeper into the heart of Rasa Yoga with my dear teacher Sianna and forty of my new closest friends.
Truthfully, I’ve been home from Portland for well over a week now, but I haven’t written. There is something so humbling about attending these deep immersion trainings with master teachers. It’s so humbling that I leave thinking, “Who do I think I am to teach yoga? I know nothing.” It makes me want to hole up in a cave, not blog, not teach, and study for years on end.
But this is not the way the world works, nor the best way I learn. I learn best when I teach. This sounds so silly, but despite having taught Yoga 101 nearly ten different times, I still drive around in my car speaking out loud the lectures for that week. I also speak aloud my weekly class opening invocations, repeating the same stories over and over to no one but my dashboard.
This is how the information integrates in me. Sure, I could go into hiding and study for months at a time, but this isn’t the greatest way I integrate information. I was born a teacher, and teaching is how I learn.
Since returning from Portland, a number of things have changed. My class schedule, for one. I am still refining it – you may remember that my goal is to have less than five locations where I’m teaching. This is happening, albeit slowly. My husband is also in the last week of his job. He is leaving his steady, reliable, and admirable career in sales of five years to pursue his dreams of being a professional baseball scout – and I could not be more proud or more excited for him. This means that, for a while, I am our sole breadwinner, which is both exhilarating and terrifying. (Life on a yoga teacher’s salary is not glamourous.)
All of this would have previously sent me into some kind of crazy tizzy, scrambling around to make ends meet. Yet I came back from Portland changed. I am dedicated not just to morning sadhana and meditation, but to prayer as well. Daily I speak the prayer I wrote in Portland, “I have nothing to prove. The Sun shines on me if I let it. I am loved unconditionally.” Daily I express gratitude for the five elements – the earth that gives me my foundation and grounding, the wind that reminds me to continue to change, the fire and sun that gives me warmth and light and transformation, the water that reminds me to flow where life takes me, and the ether that provides space in everything.
It’s a small change in my daily routine that has proved immeasurably helpful. My husband says he likes me more. I am not wound up like a wild person. I am drinking less coffee, taking more breaks, avoiding social media more.
I like this new person that I’m becoming.
In a few weeks, I am turning 30. (Several months ago I wrote a piece on this – maybe I will post it for you soon.) Maybe it’s my older age that is given me to chill out a bit.
Or maybe it’s the practices.
I’m going with the practices. I’ll keep it up, show up, and do my best to continue serving and teaching, even when I don’t want to, even when I don’t feel I am worthy.
We are all in this together, my friends.
Deep bows to you, much love, and see you in class soon. ❤