where’s my chocolate.

Ahhh dear friends. I have not been blogging and the reasons for that are plenty.

I always have a lot going on, but in the past, my blogging was a firm weekly commitment. It didn’t matter what kind of crazy schedule I had; each Monday, I would sit at my computer and write out what was happening for me, what I was learning from it, and what I was teaching in classes that week.

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Because laughter is the best medicine. (To whoever made this: I love you and I wish I could give you credit.)

But recently, writing hasn’t felt right. I’ve poured my heart out here, making myself vulnerable again and again, and I’ve been at a place where I’ve been particularly vulnerable for the past month or two. While I believe in the power of vulnerability in real time, I also think there’s a good time to shut up, hole up, and work out your shit before you present it to the world.

I have been under a lot of pressure. Granted, a lot of it is self-inflicted. Okay, 99% of it is self-inflicted. My husband left his job to work for Baseball Prospectus and be a scout, which is so incredible – except that he doesn’t get paid. For a long time I’ve considered finding a full time job to have some element of security – and health insurance. Yeah, that would be nice. But ultimately, I love what I do, and I’m good at it, and I didn’t want to throw away what I’m building mid-climb to cling to some notion of security.

So I stayed, teaching yoga, and our collective income has dropped to about 25% of what it normally is. And this is on a very good year, where I’ve been making more money than normal. And in addition to this, I’ve also:

  • started and organized our Kansas City Yoga Continuing Education group
  • started a writing group – because, writing
  • developed a three part introduction to yoga series that I’m debuting this summer at PEKC (that two of three manuals are completed)
  • created a six week, 18 class introduction to fitness series for a corporate company (class in progress; so is the manual)
  • launched, sold out, and taught one of two weekend yoga retreats
  • developed a week-long vegan cooking and yoga retreat in Thailand, and helped build the website (okay Kate did most of it), negotiated fair pricing, and started marketing it like a wild woman
  • created a new website for my name change, and in the midst of all of this had to also create new emails and get all of my emails filtering to one unified email address
  • did a cleanse and have the wild notion of doing it again but for a month, because I felt so great on it
  • decided that it was only logical to undergo the biggest de-cluttering campaign of my life amidst everything else

On top of all of this, my stepson is coming to visit in less than a week for six weeks (holy no, I’m not ready, his room is not perfect and our house is a mess and I want things to be perfect), and I’ve been carrying some pretty heavy grief over the loss our Westport Yoga owner, Kate, and the following news of the mental state of two people very close to me who are battling depression, anxiety, and the heavy burden of guilt and shame.

So, this is why I haven’t been writing.

Plus, I’ve felt conflicted – I love this blog, I love WordPress and the community and the history of this blog, but since I’ve created my new website, I want to filter everything there. But I don’t want to lose everything I’ve written or the community that exists here. So I need some technologically savvy person who deeply understands the interaction between WordPress and Squarespace to see if I can get them talking and interacting. Bueller? Help? Anyone?

Anyway, all of these are excuses, of course, and had I really wanted to be writing, well then I would be writing.

But the truth is, sometimes you just need to hole up for a while and cover yourself until you think it’s safe to emerge again.

I’m giving myself the summer off to re-collect, to de-clutter and help the people around me that I love. Also, to write the most amazing manuals for my yoga and fitness series, to prepare for incredible and healing events, and to in general kick ass in this entrepreneurial world – because, really, it’s all on me now, so the pressure is ON.

I love you and I’ll check back in every once in a while. Soon I’ll be back to blogging weekly, so hold tight, dear ones, hug your friends, tell them you love them, and throw away those old receipts from 1982 because, honey, they’re just not serving you. Make some space in your life to breathe.

That’s what I’ll be doing.

(P.S. Vulnerability check – last night I cried and laughed at the same time because my husband arrived home from his most recent scouting trip and he gave me the best compliment ever and followed it up with the most funny joke I’ve ever heard. The joke made the compliment feel less sincere, but it was totally worth it, and so I both cried and laughed and wasn’t sure what was going on, so Keith just nodded his head like he does and let me work it out and then bought me chocolate. This is also why I’m not writing. Because you’ve not brought me chocolate.)

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